SHOW & TELL - ICE LAND OF INFERTILITY

Kev and I enjoy exploring;, however, our grown-up lives don't exactly allow for extended adventures the way they used to. Before we both had careers and before the stain of infertility was spilled onto our seemingly blissful marriage, we knew how to throw caution to the wind and let the spirit of travel take us where it may. Some of our previous adventures include a three month hitchhiking trip across Mexico and a six week exploration of Italy. Now, our adventures are more like tiny jaunts to local spots. If we happen to have a free weekend, we might grab our atlas and find some place nearby to "explore."



These photos were taken last year on the Kaw River after the last big freeze in our area. Before I snapped these, we sat in awe watching seven bald eagles soar and land in the tree line high above the water. Despite the accumulated ice on the river, the water rushed by the frozen spots at a speed that was, at times, a bit frightening as I stood on the bank and contemplated nature. What makes some of that water stop and freeze on the banks while the rest of it carries on down the channel?



Lately, I have felt like this ice. I am frozen in time and progress as the fertile world rushes by like a river fighting the pause of winter. I watch as my friends and co-workers, nieces and nephews discover life-changing news, hopefully anticipate nine months, and welcome a beautiful miracle into their lives. And they should. And I'm happy for them. I only wish I could jump into that same water with them and enjoy my own ride to parenthood.

But I am stuck in the ice land of infertility.

More show & tell...

PLEASE DON'T

Every day, I come home from work and fly down the stairs in the hopes that the answering machine light will be blinking. Each day it happens to blink, I hold my breath in an attempt to stifle the pounding hopeful heartbeats as I hit the 'play' button. Inevitably, the message is from a well-wishing relative or an automated recording alerting me to the dangers of not refinancing my mortgage.

I realize that it's tough times for everyone in this economy. People are losing jobs, unable to find work, and dipping into 401K's just to make ends meet. But, come on. You can't do this to people who are daily waiting for the call that is to be the beginning of an open adoption.

You cannot call and leave a message like this:

"Hey, guys, it's me. I have some really important information for you and I need you to call me as soon as you can. Love ya."

Upon hearing this, people who anxiously await "the call" begin to dream. Maybe [caller] knows of a birth mother considering open adoption! Maybe [caller] is going to help us in some way! Hurry! CALL HIM BACK! NOW!!

And when you call the loved one back, you get an overly eager invitation to invest in a fail-safe-not-a-pyramid-scheme-money-making opportunity. And if you don't invest, it must mean that a) you have all the money you need or b) you're not interested in making money. How could it be anything else? Only fools do not invest in sure things.

Please. Don't do this to people who have been dealing with infertility for six years. Don't do this to people who are relying on loved ones to help them become adoptive parents. Don't do this and then try to make them feel foolish for keeping their hard-earned savings safe for the child they have been working for so long to bring home.

I know times are tough for everyone. But some of us need a call that will get us closer to our dreams of being parents - not yacht owners.

SHOW AND TELL - A BLAST FROM THE PAST

Kev and I are coming up on our seventh wedding anniversary in June. To celebrate, we always do something to remind us either of our wedding day or our honeymoon. Our wedding took place in the Gunnison National Forest in Colorado - kind of hard to duplicate that here on the Great Plains. Our honeymoon was a six week adventure exploring all of Italy. As strange as it may sound, pieces of that trip are actually easier to duplicate. Think wine, picnics, beaches, fountains, gelato, leisurely meals.

Anyway, one of the silliest places we visited on our luna de miele was the Leaning Tower of Pisa. We couldn't justify being in Italy for that long and not at least seeing it. Talk about a tourist trap! It really is just a building that leans and is supported by cables. Vendors have set up shop all around it selling things like mini versions of the tower that light up, t-shirts with corny slogans, etc. How aggravating!

We are more the kind of couple who enjoys spots off the beaten path, so this was not our idea of fun. So instead we made our own fun. We donned our snorkeling gear and walked around asking people to take pictures of us. Everyone we asked actually snapped a shot for us, and some of them were great. Here's my favorite.



Be sure to check out what the other kids are showing this week.

KILLER PANTS? NO MORE!

It's been nine weeks since I started my diet, and I'm officially down 15 pounds. I realize it's not exactly a drastic change. I haven't been like Ruby who's on average dropped that each month, but I've got something going on. I definitely feel better. I feel like I look better too. I noticed today that for the first time in many months, the waist on my slacks didn't bisect me. I actually made it through an entire day of teaching without the clasps on my pants digging into my fat rolls. Hallelujah!

Honestly, I haven't adhered to my diet as well as I should have, but come on, it's a really strict diet. Not only am I limited to a few hundred calories per day, but I cannot have ANY sugar - none. And grains? Why, I can have an entire half piece of whole wheat bread per day. Throw on top of that the fact that I am already a strict vegetarian, and I'm pretty much left with a diet consisting of tofu, veggies, and soy milk.

The first month I was on the diet, I followed it very closely. I used the menu to plan my meals, measured everything, and never cheated. But, really I was miserable. I didn't feel like I could ever eat at restaurants or even at my mom & dad's. I felt guilty for being polite at dinner with my in-laws and eating what I knew was not on my diet. I felt guilty when my mother bought special groceries when I went for visits. I felt guilty for eating something that might have been made with too much olive oil or the wrong kind of cheese. I ended up feeling guilty a lot.

So after the first month (and first seven pounds), I reflected on my goal and decided that I needed to make a change. I decided not to be so hard on myself and to allow myself to enjoy good food (and even comfort food once in a great while), no matter how far off my diet it took me. And so, in my second month of dieting, I enjoyed non-fat frozen yogurt, pizza, key lime pie, and I even really splurged and had a serving of mashed potatoes! I did all that and continued to lose weight.

Has the splurging set me back a bit? Yeah, I probably could have lost more weight. Am I a little happier now that I allow myself occasional yummies? Maybe. Probably. Do I still feel guilty when I do splurge? Definitely. But at least my pants don't injure me anymore.

YOUR OPINION

I've been curious about what you all think. I'll write more later, but for now, I just want to ask the question...

What do you think Kev and I should be doing right now to grow our family? We've been eight years without contraception, six years trying various therapies, and two and a half years undergoing more aggressive reproductive treatments. We were approved for domestic adoption six months ago.

Please go to the right and vote.

More later...

SISTERHOOD

Now that I have found terrific support from women all over the globe who also suffer from the heartache of infertility, it's hard for me to imagine how I dealt for so long with the awful feelings that are inherent to this affliction. I don't clearly remember how I coped during the years when I felt that I was dealing with the loneliness, the alienation, the overwhelming depression of infertility by myself. That's not to say that my husband isn't a great support, but he once said it better than I ever could. Because it is my body that is missing the child within, and because it is my body that endures the suppression, the hormones, the SHOTS, and because it is in a woman's nature to nurture, the sadness that I feel is much more profound than what he has ever felt on this long road of infertility.

But about nine months ago (what a symbolic number for those of us in this circle), I discovered that there is an entire population of women (and a few men) on the web who have reached out to others dealing with all kinds of infertility and loss issues. I discovered support sites that offer articles and expert advice, discussion forums specifically designed for infertility, and I discovered that by blogging, I found many wonderful people to lean on who feel what I feel, know what I know, cry what I cry. Now, this burden doesn't seem quite so hard to handle anymore.

Colleen, one of the women who has been a great support to me, nominated me for an award today and charged me with the passing on of this award to women whom I feel have had an impact on me. How do I choose? It's going to be tough, but here goes...

ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
SEVEN
EIGHT
NINE
TEN

So here are the rules:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog
And be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

DIFFERENT

Since our convalidation last weekend, people have been asking me if I feel different. I'm pretty sure they are expecting me to say yes. That somehow having a priest bless our rings and our saying vows in God's house this time is supposed to make me feel different. My husband said he felt different. But I honestly don't feel any different. How am I supposed to feel different? Should I be happier? Should I suddenly feel as though I'm not living in sin? Should I feel less stress in my life? Should I have more hope now that God will give us a baby? Maybe I haven't fully considered the magnitude of celebrating this sacrament. I don't know. I'm so confused. I feel like God has always been approving of our marriage. Then again, maybe I've been kidding myself this whole time. After all, I am barren.

CONVALIDATION CELEBRATION

Last weekend, we renewed our vows and had our marriage blessed by the Catholic Church. Afterward, we had a magnificent meal at EBT Restaurant with our wedding party (parents, grandmother, priest). This is Kevin and I dancing our first dance as a married couple in the eyes of God. Now, bring on the babies!

AFFORDING INFERTILITY

This is an oxymoron. There really is no such thing. It's like an awfully good jumbo shrimp.

In our six years of infertility treatments of varying intensities, we have spent tens of thousands of dollars. Every penny we save goes to our next infertility venture. Sure, there was that one time four years ago when we spent a week on the Mayan Riviera with my brother, and the jaunt last fall out to New Mexico for the weekend, but other than that, we know where our money is going before it gets here. It will go to our next infertility treatment, surgery, procedure, injectable drugs, ultrasounds, adoption home study, or whatever is coming up. Until life outside our most intimate world happens, that is. At that point, the infertility money becomes home repair, or new tires, or taxes.

So my question is this: How does a couple who makes under $100,000 a year pay for the average $15,000 IVF or adoption when thier health care pays for no infertility coverage and insurance offers no adoption assistance? I know you have some ideas concerning my existing spending, so let me enlighten you. We own both cars, we have basic cable (REALLY basic - $14), we never buy new clothes, never buy new things for the house like pillows, decorations, etc., rarely eat out, but we have massive student loans, and a small credit card debt. There it is... my life on the line. I would love some suggestions. I am desperate. My Mommy Clock has been ticking and ticking and ticking faster.

I feel I've already said too much. I fondly await your esteemed responses.

Respectfully,
~G

SO SORRY FOR MY RECENT ABSENCE

Kevin and I are 'getting married' tonight. The Catholic Church is blessing our marriage in a convalidation ceremony. My parents and Kev's mother and grandmother will be our witnesses. No one else will be there - with the exception of the priest, of course.

I just can't help the superstitious thoughts from running a loop through my head.
*Maybe God has been angry at us for not getting married in the Church six and a half years ago.
*Maybe if we get our marriage blessed, God will give us a baby.

I know those thoughts are incredibly unhealthy and irrational, but how do you stop yourself from thinking like that?


~ And I do apologize for not keeping up with the infertility blog community for the last couple of weeks. There has been a cloud of funk following me around lately - and I'm not talking about body odor - that has kept me from thinking, speaking, and acting in a clear-headed, purposeful way.

I think I'm better now, though.

SHOW & TELL - WHAT I VOW TO NEVER NAME A CHILD

Kev was perusing his vast baseball card collection tonight and shared the funnier cards with me. I must say, this one topped even Oil Can Boyd.




Really? Dick Pole? I bet he had to endure years of kids' mocking. At least he made it to the big leagues!

Way to go, Dick Pole!

Be sure to check out what the other kids brought this week for show & tell.

CONVALIDATION (AND 2009 GOAL #8)

Kev and I were married six and a half years ago in the Gunnison National Forest in Colorado. We didn't originally set out to have a destination wedding, but we couldn't get the guest list below several hundred without feeling guilty for not inviting dozens of cousins, distant relatives, co-workers, grade school friends, parents' acquaintances... you get the picture. So we decided to ditch the traditional and opt for some place out of the way yet beautiful to exchange vows. Our most immediate families and life-long friends joined us in the majestic mountains of Crested Butte as witnesses to our love. There were about 30 people in attendance as my father walked me down the makeshift aisle to Willie Nelson's "I've Loved You All Over the World." The minister gave an incredible ceremony based on the simplicity and spontaneity of nature before we, newly married, skipped back up the aisle to Cat Steven's "If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out." I know everybody says this, but everyone there said it was the "coolest" wedding they'd ever been a part of. I don't know...I like to believe it.

Anyway, as unique and fitting as our wedding was, there was one thing missing. That was our Catholic faith. We are both cradle Catholics (I just learned that term from my priest & I know I'm overusing it, but so what?) and have had all of our sacraments except holy matrimony. We honestly hadn't given it too much thought. We love God. We are spiritual, religious, curious, devout. Over the years, we've engaged in various religious retreats, one being the year-long Jesuit retreat called The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. I think we've both felt blessed and loved by God despite the fact that He hadn't officially blessed our union. We're still married, right?

I guess people change. We are both in a place now where having our marriage blessed by the Catholic Church is very important to us. So this Valentine's Day* we are celebrating a convalidation ceremony so God and the Catholic Church will officially recognize us as the soul mates we really are. How romantic, right? It will just be our parents and us and our sweet, wonderful priest after the 5:30 mass. We will then all go out for a nice dinner to celebrate love, commitment, and God. Who knows, maybe this has been the missing piece in our puzzle that is baby-making.

*I know it may seem strange to celebrate a very Catholic tradition (the sacrament of HOLY MATRIMONY) on a day that is no longer recognized as a saint's holy day by the Catholic Church, but at least the day does have Catholic origins. Do you think God will mind?