HOMESTUDY COMPLETE

Our social worker sent us the report from our home study. I was really surprised at how thorough it was. It is a seven page document that discusses every (and I mean EVERY) aspect of our lives. Our social worker spent about ten hours interviewing us during the month of October. We discussed our childhoods, our struggles with infertility, and parenting philosophy among many other things. Some of it is ugly to look at and relive, but for the most part, I'd have to say that Kev and I look pretty good on paper. I hope the judge who hears our case thinks so too.

We have a preliminary meeting with our adoption lawyer this coming Tuesday. I don't know what to expect from this except for a big bill. We got our profile books back (they look awesome!) and made and bound photocopies at Kinkos. They turned out pretty good too. I know that we'll have to take four of them to the lawyer. The word on the street is that the lawyer's office that we are working with is the best adoption law office in the city. Hopefully that means they get lots of referrals from women who trust them.

Kev and I are working on some ideas for fundraisers to help offset the legal costs of the adoption. I'll let you all know when we get going on our campaign.

Until next time...

A MONTH OF NOT MUCH

It's been a month since my last post. I'll try not to let that much time pass between posts again. I just haven't felt all that interesting or loquacious lately. There hasn't been much going on anyway.

Work is wearing me down - as it does this time every year. I am currently nursing a sinus infection that has kept me home on the couch for the past two days and up coughing until 3 am the past few nights.

Kev and I took a little birthday trip to Albuquerque for the annual Balloon Fiesta. Sounds great, right? Yeah. The damn fiesta was a bust. The hurricane that blew in from the Baja kept the 700 balloons from launching all weekend. So we got up each day at 4:30, drove into town, paid the entrance and parking fees, marveled at the fact that so many thousands of people are up for a "carnival" at 5am, and waited patiently until the launches were ultimately cancelled. It was a real bummer. The mini-vacation was not a total loss, though. We rented a convertible and drove the Turquoise Trail, hiked Tent Rocks National Monument, rode the tram to the top of Sandia Peak, and hung out on Nob Hill and Old Town.

Kevin has become quite a local celebrity. Every day for about three weeks, we got phone calls from friends and family saying they saw him on a commercial for KCTV5. We watched for weeks to see what everyone else had seen, but never saw it. Finally, we caught a glimpse - a brief one - of his handsome face saying something about a reliable forecast. He's such a cheese!

As far as the adoption process goes, we finished our home study and are just waiting on our social worker to write up the report. Then, we wait to be matched. We could be matched right away, or it may take a couple of years. Hopfully, we're on the shorter end of that time span. We will be mailing out letters to family and friends soon, so be watching your mailbox for a love note from us.

WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT

Who would have thought that my ass would still be sore from the past two years of shots? I haven't had a shot in almost two months, yet both of my cheeks are tender in the target zone. To find the right shot spot, Kev would draw a cross on one cheek, aim, and fire in the upper outer quadrant. Once he hit my sciatic nerve and I promptly fainted. Dr. Z always said, "Do not inject the woman with the pink needle," because it was ENORMOUS. We used a smaller gauged grey needle, but he never mentioned anything about hitting the sciatic. When we started the whole shoot 'em up game two years ago, Kev nearly fainted in the doctor's office when he was giving us oral instructions. He was a trooper, though. The first few times, he had to chug a beer to relax, then take a stab. By the end, he could have done it with his eyes closed. Sometimes the medicine hurt so bad going in that I would cry. Just a couple of tears, but a squeaky sound always escaped my clenched teeth.

Who would have thought that the inside of my elbows would still be bruised from the past two years of bloodwork? I must say, I am not missing getting up at the crack of dawn to go to the basement of St. Luke's to get poked by a two-bit phlebotomist. They were usually nice, and sometimes gentle, but occasionally a newbie would draw my blood, and of course they would stick the needle in my arm and jab around under my skin until they found a vein. St. Luke's proved to be better all around, however, once we figured out that I could get my blood drawn there for $67 as opposed to $297 a pop at the LabOne clinics around town. Take that number, multiply by three times a week, add the fact that insurance covers NOTHING, and you've got quite a hefty bill and a lot less blood.

Who would have thought that I would miss coffee so much? For the past few years I've passed on caffeinated beverages. I honestly didn't realize how much I loved this brewed bean wonder until my dear husband started replacing my morning decaf hot tea with sweet, creamy coffee once we decided to stop trying to conceive. I really do love it. I can't get enough of it. I usually only have one cup a day, but if I could I would drink it until noon. Or later. But then...

Who would have thought that a beer after a rough day of work could be so refreshing? Nuff said.

WE'RE A LITTLE CLOSER

Our home study is starting next Wednesday! It will consist of four meetings at two hours each. I really don't quite know what to expect. I suppose it will be like a giant interview. An eight hour interview. Three meetings will be at our social worker's home, and the last one will be at ours. I guess that means I've got a couple of weeks to catch up on our laundry.

I think we'll get to start the nursery soon. It's really close to being ready - all we have to do is move out the bed, buy the crib, the rocker-glider, move it all in, then decorate it with baby stuff. So really, we're the opposite of being close to ready. Pretty much all we've done is paint. Hey, it's a start. I think I want to make the nursery pretty neutral since we don't even have a clue when we'll be matched, let alone if we're going to have a boy or girl. Here are some ideas that I like. What do you think? Will you please vote over on the right side of the page? Thanks for your input.

Nursery 1


Nursery 2


Nursery 3


Nursery 4

AND THE PROCESS HAS STARTED

We turned in our preliminary paperwork to the adoption agency today. We completed the 8 page application, budget worksheet and financial information, signed the contract, and each wrote our autobiographies (4000 words each). We still have a lot of work to do, but hopefully we can start the homestudy process in the next couple of weeks. I've been working on our adoption profile all day today, which is a document given to birthmothers to help them choose the adoptive parents. I'm creating a book using Shutterfly. It's basically a scrapbook with some text - most notably a letter to the prospective birthmothers. The pages I'm creating include title page (with a closeup of Kev and I), letter to birthmom with a couple more pictures, our home, fun with pets, my family, Kev's family, our wedding, playmates (kids in our families), travels & leisure. Through Shutterfly, I get twenty pages in the book and I have 18 planned. I need one more page layout. Anyone have ideas?

A NEW PATH TO PARENTHOOD

We met tonight with an adoption counselor and child placement officer. It went wonderfully. She is great - very knowledgeable, understanding, and heartfelt. She explained what modern open adoptions can look like, and how they actually benefit everyone involved. We walked away with a better understanding of the adoption process and a big stack of papers explaining what we need to do first. We're going to plan this weekend. We are going to do this. I'm very excited about adopting. What a unique experience this will be. What a joy to raise a child. This must be what God wants us to do.

Of course, we'll need your help. But I know I can count on you. I love you!

A PREVIOUSLY UNEXPLORED OPTION

After discussing our options over the weekend, Kev and I have decided to begin the adoption process. Well, we're at least trying to figure out what our chances of adopting are before we go to Mexico. We will be making an appointment to see an independent adoption agent this week and hopefully getting the process started. We've got a few friends who have adopted who are giving us great advice.

I know we've only talked about adoption as a remote, almost last resort option, but the seemingly unending cycle of high hopes and broken hearts is beginning to take its toll on our sanity. After five years of various treatments, tens of thousands of dollars in doctors' bills, fertility drugs, surgeries, and procedures, we're ready for a little good news for a change. I know adoption is not 100%, but we're looking forward to exploring our chances.

We haven't told anyone yet, so if you're reading this, you're one of the first to know.

LOSING

There will be no baby next spring.

Why doesn't God want me to have a child? What am I doing wrong? Everything was perfect this cycle. Four mature follies - all the right sizes. Positive energy from every direction. No booze, no caffeine, no strenuous activities. Not a dose of medication missed. We did everything right. Why?

Five years of heartache, and it's just getting harder. My heart is getting harder too.

IN STIRRUPS ONCE AGAIN (WARNING - TMI)

I have a really good feeling about this cycle. Everything seems to be falling in to place, and everyone (Kev, Dr.Z, his nurse) is really positive about this round of IUI. And that brings us to today.

Today marks the first day of this 2WW. I HATE the 2WW. But, I suppose one good thing about going back to work on Tuesday is the fact that it will keep my mind off wondering about the possibility - even if only for 8-10 hours a day.

Let me tell you a little bit about how the IUI works. I first have to pump my body full of hormones for a couple of weeks (see two posts down) to turn my ovaries into super-duper-egg-makers. The night before the IUI, Kev & I do a little baby dance, after which I stay horizontal for as long as possible to keep gravity working in the little swimmers' favor. The day of the IUI, Kevin makes a "deposit" into a sterile receptacle and we rush it to the doctor's office about 35 minutes away. Dr. Z takes the sample and puts it onto a centrifuge and washes it so that there is just sperm - no extra stuff needed. I lie back with my feet in stirrups,while Dr.Z opens me up and inserts a super long catheter into my cervix and injects the sample. He says a little prayer and a yabba-daba-do, then he closes up my cervix and I lie on the table with cold metal equipment hanging out of me for about 20 minutes. That night, to give us better chances of conceiving, we do another little baby dance.

The whole process is only minorly painful. Mostly mild cramping except for the fact that my ovaries are the size of oranges by this time and are very tender, so when Dr. Z was looking for my cervix and pushing on my abdomen, I yelped like a puppy being punished. He told me to stop laughing. Laughing. I wish. I'm mostly praying my ass off. Please do the same.

BABY DANCIN' COMING UP

I had a doctor's appointment today and it went wonderfully. Everything looked fabulous. Optimum for IUI!

Here's what's going on:

> four follies ranging in size from 17.8 - 19.5
> endometrial lining 8.0
> estradiol 1,954
> HCG inject tonight at 2:30 am
> baby dance Thursday night
> IUI Friday at 3:30 pm
> baby dance Friday night
> baby dance Saturday morning

So after two weeks of injections, we're trying one last time with the IUI thing.

I do have dozens of medium sized follies that might cause me some problems. Because of them, I am at an elevated risk of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) again. After I get the trigger shot tonight, I will have to take it super easy. No strenuous activity. Looks like Kevo's bringing up the laundry baskets from the basement from now on!

ONE MORE TRY AT IUI

I finished the 21 days of the Pill on Tuesday and am currently on cycle day 2. I had an ultrasound this morning that showed that the three large cysts that were holding us back had withered away and my sleepy little ovaries are still polycystic. This is good news. I will start stimming (stimulating my ovaries with injectable drugs) tomorrow in order to attempt another IUI. So for roughly the next two weeks, I will be getting shots in the stomach and ass, getting bloodwork taken a few times a week, and having ultrasounds a few times a week. Oh, and I'll also have an HSG. The bloodwork monitors my estrogen levels, while the ultrasounds monitor the growth of follicles on my ovaries and the thickness of my endometrial lining. The HSG is a procedure where the doc forces liquid dye through my fallopian tubes (it's terribly painful for some, but I seem to handle it okay). Keep in mind that although I am currently covered under THREE insurance policies, all of these expenses come right out of our pocket. No one covers infertility treatments. Insurance companies act like I've elected to have these disorders - that infertility is something that I've chosen. Bastards.

Anyway, I thought I'd include a picture and explanation of what a month in the life of Gina & Kevin on infertility meds is like. In the above picture, I have laid out all medicines that I will pump through my body over the course of about 28 days. They are aligned from left to right in the order in which I will take them. Follow along...

Pre IUI cycle:

Metformin 2000 mg daily (This is to regulate insulin which my body does not do on its own thanks to PCOS. Without it, all sugar and carbohydrates turn to fat instead of energy like in a normal body. I've been on this for two + years.)

PreNatal vitamin daily (This is obviously to prepare my body for baby. I've been on this for five years.)

Birth Control Pill (I take this between medicated cycles in order to let my body - especially my ovaries - rest from the hyperstimulation. It pretty much gets me ready to go into overdrive.)

During 28 day IUI cycle:

Follistim (FSH) - Injected subcutaneously in my stomach CD 3-7 (This makes my ovaries produce a whole bunch of follicles and tells them to GROW!)

Puregon (HMG) - Injected intramuscularly in my ass CD 8-19 or 20 (This makes my ovaries pick a few - between 1 & 4 - dominant follicles and only make them grow. These follicles will *hopefully* each release the egg inside it after the next step.)

Pregnyl (HCG) - Also injected into one of my bum cheeks once my follicles and endometrial lining reach an acceptable size (This tricks my body into ovulating. The mature follicles each release their egg to make their way through the fallopian tubes, hopefully to meet Kev's little swimmers.)

Prometrium - Taken until I get a period, or if I am pregnant, until my Dr. tells me to quit (This makes my endometrium a nice and hospitable place for the fertilized eggy to attach and grow.)

Crinone (Unfortunately, I haven't ever gotten this far in any of the IUI cycles. It is a progesterone gel that is inserted vaginally that ensures the endometrium stays nice and cozy for the little growing babe. Maybe this time I'll get to use it.)

So there you have it, folks. A month in the life of an infertile trying IUI. We are ready to roll. Wish us luck!

A BUST

My 2WW is over. This IUI cycle was a bust. We'll just keep on trying. Last night we discussed our options. We could either try IUI again or we could move on to IVF. It really has to do with what our doctor will let us do. We already have the medication we'll need for either treatment. We have about half of the money we would need to cover the $15,000 fee for IVF. Either way, the chances of conception aren't great.

*UPDATE* I had an ultrasound yesterday and we found that I have three huge cysts on my ovaries that I have to chase away with birth control this month. After 21 days of that, we'll start with the injectible meds again for another IUI cycle. If that doesn't work (God forbid), we'll try IVF in the fall. Please keep praying for us.