Thursday, February 26, 2009


Now that I have found terrific support from women all over the globe who also suffer from the heartache of infertility, it's hard for me to imagine how I dealt for so long with the awful feelings that are inherent to this affliction. I don't clearly remember how I coped during the years when I felt that I was dealing with the loneliness, the alienation, the overwhelming depression of infertility by myself. That's not to say that my husband isn't a great support, but he once said it better than I ever could. Because it is my body that is missing the child within, and because it is my body that endures the suppression, the hormones, the SHOTS, and because it is in a woman's nature to nurture, the sadness that I feel is much more profound than what he has ever felt on this long road of infertility.

But about nine months ago (what a symbolic number for those of us in this circle), I discovered that there is an entire population of women (and a few men) on the web who have reached out to others dealing with all kinds of infertility and loss issues. I discovered support sites that offer articles and expert advice, discussion forums specifically designed for infertility, and I discovered that by blogging, I found many wonderful people to lean on who feel what I feel, know what I know, cry what I cry. Now, this burden doesn't seem quite so hard to handle anymore.

Colleen, one of the women who has been a great support to me, nominated me for an award today and charged me with the passing on of this award to women whom I feel have had an impact on me. How do I choose? It's going to be tough, but here goes...


So here are the rules:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog
And be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

Monday, February 23, 2009


Since our convalidation last weekend, people have been asking me if I feel different. I'm pretty sure they are expecting me to say yes. That somehow having a priest bless our rings and our saying vows in God's house this time is supposed to make me feel different. My husband said he felt different. But I honestly don't feel any different. How am I supposed to feel different? Should I be happier? Should I suddenly feel as though I'm not living in sin? Should I feel less stress in my life? Should I have more hope now that God will give us a baby? Maybe I haven't fully considered the magnitude of celebrating this sacrament. I don't know. I'm so confused. I feel like God has always been approving of our marriage. Then again, maybe I've been kidding myself this whole time. After all, I am barren.

Sunday, February 22, 2009


Last weekend, we renewed our vows and had our marriage blessed by the Catholic Church. Afterward, we had a magnificent meal at EBT Restaurant with our wedding party (parents, grandmother, priest). This is Kevin and I dancing our first dance as a married couple in the eyes of God. Now, bring on the babies!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


This is an oxymoron. There really is no such thing. It's like an awfully good jumbo shrimp.

In our six years of infertility treatments of varying intensities, we have spent tens of thousands of dollars. Every penny we save goes to our next infertility venture. Sure, there was that one time four years ago when we spent a week on the Mayan Riviera with my brother, and the jaunt last fall out to New Mexico for the weekend, but other than that, we know where our money is going before it gets here. It will go to our next infertility treatment, surgery, procedure, injectable drugs, ultrasounds, adoption home study, or whatever is coming up. Until life outside our most intimate world happens, that is. At that point, the infertility money becomes home repair, or new tires, or taxes.

So my question is this: How does a couple who makes under $100,000 a year pay for the average $15,000 IVF or adoption when thier health care pays for no infertility coverage and insurance offers no adoption assistance? I know you have some ideas concerning my existing spending, so let me enlighten you. We own both cars, we have basic cable (REALLY basic - $14), we never buy new clothes, never buy new things for the house like pillows, decorations, etc., rarely eat out, but we have massive student loans, and a small credit card debt. There it is... my life on the line. I would love some suggestions. I am desperate. My Mommy Clock has been ticking and ticking and ticking faster.

I feel I've already said too much. I fondly await your esteemed responses.


Saturday, February 14, 2009


Kevin and I are 'getting married' tonight. The Catholic Church is blessing our marriage in a convalidation ceremony. My parents and Kev's mother and grandmother will be our witnesses. No one else will be there - with the exception of the priest, of course.

I just can't help the superstitious thoughts from running a loop through my head.
*Maybe God has been angry at us for not getting married in the Church six and a half years ago.
*Maybe if we get our marriage blessed, God will give us a baby.

I know those thoughts are incredibly unhealthy and irrational, but how do you stop yourself from thinking like that?

~ And I do apologize for not keeping up with the infertility blog community for the last couple of weeks. There has been a cloud of funk following me around lately - and I'm not talking about body odor - that has kept me from thinking, speaking, and acting in a clear-headed, purposeful way.

I think I'm better now, though.

Sunday, February 1, 2009


Kev was perusing his vast baseball card collection tonight and shared the funnier cards with me. I must say, this one topped even Oil Can Boyd.

Really? Dick Pole? I bet he had to endure years of kids' mocking. At least he made it to the big leagues!

Way to go, Dick Pole!

Be sure to check out what the other kids brought this week for show & tell.

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