Saturday, January 10, 2009

THREE REMINDERS OF MY INEPTITUDE

The hits just keep on coming.  


This week, I have learned about three of my friends' new pregnancies.  Yes, I am happy for them.  They're beautiful, strong women who will make and are already great mothers.  But I'm sad for the gaping hole in my life.  I'm sad for me.  And Kevin.  

He doesn't show his emotions much, but I can tell when things get to him.  And they're starting to.  

He would make a terrific father.  He's devoted and active and loving and funny and curious and playful and a million other things.  I want so badly to make him a daddy.  He deserves it.  I'm the only reason he's not already a daddy.  I feel like such a failure.  It's the truth and it hurts like hell.  

All this infertility shit hurts like hell.  Every day.  My body is broken.  My brain is failing.  My heart is breaking.  My soul is wearing thin.

It's been almost six years of infertility.  I wonder how much more of this pain I can handle.     

5 comments:

Christina Claassen said...

Stay strong Gina. But don't be so hard on yourself. You should never blame yourself for not having a baby. Sometimes the deck of cards life hands us doesn't seem fair. Hopefully in the end there will be an aha moment and you will see that there was a reason...maybe the right soul hasn't found you and Kevin yet. Anyway, it makes me sad to read how sad and hurt and broken you are. I send you the biggest hugs and love from over the miles...if that can make you feel even slightly better.

Michelle said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. Hang in there! Someday hopefully it will be all worth it in the end...for both of us. ((HUGS))

Kara said...

Oh Gina,

I so totally get what you are saying and how you are feeling. IF is a beotch of a diagnosis and it takes such a toll on us, I feel as though it has aged me.

Hang in there -
Kara

armyadamsgirl said...

i love you girl.Kevin will be a great father and you ll be a great mother. Infertility is a evil witch.I am sorry

Jill said...

I've only been trying for (almost) 2 years, and I feel pretty much the same way you do. Hang in there! ((hugs))

ICLW

 
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