Friday, June 5, 2009


I haven't been writing much lately and there is really only one reason for it: I haven't been writing for myself. I have found myself holding back from what I truly wanted to say out of fear that I would offend someone, that a reader would comment something I didn't want to hear, or that I would turn someone off by not writing what they wanted me to. Because I haven't been writing for myself, I have felt out of sorts. I haven't known what to write about. I haven't had many thoughts that I felt worthy of posting for this imagined judgmental audience that I dreamed would flog me for not doing what "they" wanted. I must be delusional. I have also felt that I haven't been honest with myself or with my readership.

I probably wouldn't even have started this post had it not been for Mel at Stirrup Queens writing on this very topic. I needed someone to remind me of the reason I started this blog. The point was to document my journey through infertility. To explore my thoughts, joys, questions, fears as I navigate my way on this (so far) heart-wrenching trip. Of course, I expected some people to come along for the ride with me - well, at least to read about it - but that's not solely who this blog is for. I needed to hear from Mel that transitions in regards to the world of infertility are worthy of blogging about. That transitions are hard but important. Which leads me to what I've wanted to write about for the past few months.

During the course of writing this blog, Kev and I have gone from monthly Femara with injections of HCG and timed relations to a more aggressive hormone treatment and three failed IUI's to being approved for domestic adoption and waiting, waiting, waiting to our most recent additional plan for starting our family. It's a big move. We're moving on to IVF.

Kev and I start stimming for IVF on Sunday evening. I've been taking Lupron injections for a little over two weeks, and this Sunday I add Gonal-F and low-dose HCG to the mix. I will give myself three injections per day for the first few days. This number of injections will likely be bumped up after my next scan on Tuesday.

That feels good to get off my chest. I feel as though I've been holding back for you so you wouldn't get upset that I'm moving on to IVF. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm writing this for me. I do still feel that I have to explain a little. Hopefully, this compulsion to justify my actions will go away again and I can get back to writing for real.

This move doesn't mean that Kev and I are no longer exploring adoption at this time. As far as I can tell, we are still waiting. I do imagine, however, that there will be some of you who disagree with our decision to pursue IVF while waiting to adopt. This doesn't mean that if we are matched tomorrow that I would reject the match. Not at all! We would love to be matched and explore an open adoption with a birth mother. I hope that people realize that this move doesn't indicate our closing a door, but more of our openness to beginning our family by any means available.

We've been trying to start our family for six years. We need to be able to explore many options. We need your support. We need your prayers. I need to be able to express my thoughts, ideas, fears, and joys through this process - through this transition - for my own peace of mind. Maybe this was the peace my sister-in-law was talking about last weekend.

How wonderful! I now have something to blog about tomorrow: the advice I got from my sister-in-law last weekend.

Thanks for the reminder, Mel. I needed to get back on track.


GeekByMarriage said...

Why on Earth would anyone be upset at you for doing all you can to make your family bigger?

Good luck! I will be cheering you on from the peanut gallery!

Anonymous said...

This is your blog and you can say whatever you want on it and no one has a right to comment otherwise. You are a strong women and I pray you get your baby thru IVF and you end up with a child thru adoption. I pray that your IVF works on the first round and your dreams may soon come true.

armyadamsgirl said...

Love ya girl. I am glad you wrote this for you and to share with all of us readers. I 100 percent support you in whenever this journey takes you.
I myself have come to the 6 year mark on trying to start a family and i feel i deserve a family. I am working towards adoption as well (be it older children) while still undergoing IF treatments.
I love and support you and kev and i hope for only the best for you two.
GOOD LUCK and thanks for sharing!!

Photogrl said...

I'm SO excited for the 2 of you!

Thinking lots and lots of positive thoughts for this cycle to be a success!

G & H said...

Oh girl I went thru the same thing not blogging because I didnt want to offend someone and finally I just did and it felt so good to be back to blogging! I think what you are doing is 110% amazing...If we had the money we would be doing just that...ivf while waiting for adoption...and then leave it all in God's hands to decide which way HE would like us to start a fact in a positive way I envy that you can do that but how I said in a positive way....

Best wishes and many prayers will be sent your way from me here in California :)


mgstone said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with TTC and pursuing adooption at the same time. I feel like I know you well enough to say that if somehow you were pregant and had the option to adopt that two babies would both be loved and wanted! This is your blog, block those that discourage you and embrace you--all parts of you...You are in my prayers!

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