ILLUSION OF CONTROL

It's been about two months since our homestudy has been completed. It doesn't sound like a very long time now that I'm saying it, but it has felt like an eternity. Just sitting and waiting is driving me crazy. I feel so out of control. Even more out of control than what I felt when we were trying to conceive.

When we were TTCing, every day was a task to be completed to get us closer to the elusive positive pregnancy test. Oral meds, injections, ultrasounds, bloodwork, chart consultation, baby dancing... the list goes on. Ok, so maybe none of that worked, but I at least I felt like I was doing something. The illusion of control is a hard thing to give up.

We've mailed out about half of the letters we need to. There are still a lot of addresses we need, but honestly I wonder how effective those letters are. Do birth and adoptive parents really connect that way? It seems unlikely, but I'm new at this.

We've talked to several of the Catholic churches in the area that have an adoption program. The most popular one has a year waiting list just to begin a homestudy! Even though we already have a certified homestudy, they would have to redo it. We would have to do all the same background checks, etc. I don't like that. It makes me feel like it's about money, not finding homes for children.

Speaking of the Catholic churches, Kev and I have finally found a church that suits us. St. Agnes is racially diverse, supports two or three Catholic schools, and is close to our home. The congregation is enormous, and I'm pretty excited to be a member. Our Sundays now revolve around mass and family. Isn't that what it's supposed to be anyway?