SISTERHOOD

Now that I have found terrific support from women all over the globe who also suffer from the heartache of infertility, it's hard for me to imagine how I dealt for so long with the awful feelings that are inherent to this affliction. I don't clearly remember how I coped during the years when I felt that I was dealing with the loneliness, the alienation, the overwhelming depression of infertility by myself. That's not to say that my husband isn't a great support, but he once said it better than I ever could. Because it is my body that is missing the child within, and because it is my body that endures the suppression, the hormones, the SHOTS, and because it is in a woman's nature to nurture, the sadness that I feel is much more profound than what he has ever felt on this long road of infertility.

But about nine months ago (what a symbolic number for those of us in this circle), I discovered that there is an entire population of women (and a few men) on the web who have reached out to others dealing with all kinds of infertility and loss issues. I discovered support sites that offer articles and expert advice, discussion forums specifically designed for infertility, and I discovered that by blogging, I found many wonderful people to lean on who feel what I feel, know what I know, cry what I cry. Now, this burden doesn't seem quite so hard to handle anymore.

Colleen, one of the women who has been a great support to me, nominated me for an award today and charged me with the passing on of this award to women whom I feel have had an impact on me. How do I choose? It's going to be tough, but here goes...

ONE
TWO
THREE
FOUR
FIVE
SIX
SEVEN
EIGHT
NINE
TEN

So here are the rules:
Put the logo on your blog or post.
Nominate at least 10 blogs which show great attitude and/or gratitude.
Be sure to link to your nominees in your post
Let your nominees know they have received the award by leaving them a comment on their blog
And be sure to link this post to the person who nominated you for the award.

DIFFERENT

Since our convalidation last weekend, people have been asking me if I feel different. I'm pretty sure they are expecting me to say yes. That somehow having a priest bless our rings and our saying vows in God's house this time is supposed to make me feel different. My husband said he felt different. But I honestly don't feel any different. How am I supposed to feel different? Should I be happier? Should I suddenly feel as though I'm not living in sin? Should I feel less stress in my life? Should I have more hope now that God will give us a baby? Maybe I haven't fully considered the magnitude of celebrating this sacrament. I don't know. I'm so confused. I feel like God has always been approving of our marriage. Then again, maybe I've been kidding myself this whole time. After all, I am barren.

CONVALIDATION CELEBRATION

Last weekend, we renewed our vows and had our marriage blessed by the Catholic Church. Afterward, we had a magnificent meal at EBT Restaurant with our wedding party (parents, grandmother, priest). This is Kevin and I dancing our first dance as a married couple in the eyes of God. Now, bring on the babies!

AFFORDING INFERTILITY

This is an oxymoron. There really is no such thing. It's like an awfully good jumbo shrimp.

In our six years of infertility treatments of varying intensities, we have spent tens of thousands of dollars. Every penny we save goes to our next infertility venture. Sure, there was that one time four years ago when we spent a week on the Mayan Riviera with my brother, and the jaunt last fall out to New Mexico for the weekend, but other than that, we know where our money is going before it gets here. It will go to our next infertility treatment, surgery, procedure, injectable drugs, ultrasounds, adoption home study, or whatever is coming up. Until life outside our most intimate world happens, that is. At that point, the infertility money becomes home repair, or new tires, or taxes.

So my question is this: How does a couple who makes under $100,000 a year pay for the average $15,000 IVF or adoption when thier health care pays for no infertility coverage and insurance offers no adoption assistance? I know you have some ideas concerning my existing spending, so let me enlighten you. We own both cars, we have basic cable (REALLY basic - $14), we never buy new clothes, never buy new things for the house like pillows, decorations, etc., rarely eat out, but we have massive student loans, and a small credit card debt. There it is... my life on the line. I would love some suggestions. I am desperate. My Mommy Clock has been ticking and ticking and ticking faster.

I feel I've already said too much. I fondly await your esteemed responses.

Respectfully,
~G

SO SORRY FOR MY RECENT ABSENCE

Kevin and I are 'getting married' tonight. The Catholic Church is blessing our marriage in a convalidation ceremony. My parents and Kev's mother and grandmother will be our witnesses. No one else will be there - with the exception of the priest, of course.

I just can't help the superstitious thoughts from running a loop through my head.
*Maybe God has been angry at us for not getting married in the Church six and a half years ago.
*Maybe if we get our marriage blessed, God will give us a baby.

I know those thoughts are incredibly unhealthy and irrational, but how do you stop yourself from thinking like that?


~ And I do apologize for not keeping up with the infertility blog community for the last couple of weeks. There has been a cloud of funk following me around lately - and I'm not talking about body odor - that has kept me from thinking, speaking, and acting in a clear-headed, purposeful way.

I think I'm better now, though.

SHOW & TELL - WHAT I VOW TO NEVER NAME A CHILD

Kev was perusing his vast baseball card collection tonight and shared the funnier cards with me. I must say, this one topped even Oil Can Boyd.




Really? Dick Pole? I bet he had to endure years of kids' mocking. At least he made it to the big leagues!

Way to go, Dick Pole!

Be sure to check out what the other kids brought this week for show & tell.

CONVALIDATION (AND 2009 GOAL #8)

Kev and I were married six and a half years ago in the Gunnison National Forest in Colorado. We didn't originally set out to have a destination wedding, but we couldn't get the guest list below several hundred without feeling guilty for not inviting dozens of cousins, distant relatives, co-workers, grade school friends, parents' acquaintances... you get the picture. So we decided to ditch the traditional and opt for some place out of the way yet beautiful to exchange vows. Our most immediate families and life-long friends joined us in the majestic mountains of Crested Butte as witnesses to our love. There were about 30 people in attendance as my father walked me down the makeshift aisle to Willie Nelson's "I've Loved You All Over the World." The minister gave an incredible ceremony based on the simplicity and spontaneity of nature before we, newly married, skipped back up the aisle to Cat Steven's "If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out." I know everybody says this, but everyone there said it was the "coolest" wedding they'd ever been a part of. I don't know...I like to believe it.

Anyway, as unique and fitting as our wedding was, there was one thing missing. That was our Catholic faith. We are both cradle Catholics (I just learned that term from my priest & I know I'm overusing it, but so what?) and have had all of our sacraments except holy matrimony. We honestly hadn't given it too much thought. We love God. We are spiritual, religious, curious, devout. Over the years, we've engaged in various religious retreats, one being the year-long Jesuit retreat called The Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. I think we've both felt blessed and loved by God despite the fact that He hadn't officially blessed our union. We're still married, right?

I guess people change. We are both in a place now where having our marriage blessed by the Catholic Church is very important to us. So this Valentine's Day* we are celebrating a convalidation ceremony so God and the Catholic Church will officially recognize us as the soul mates we really are. How romantic, right? It will just be our parents and us and our sweet, wonderful priest after the 5:30 mass. We will then all go out for a nice dinner to celebrate love, commitment, and God. Who knows, maybe this has been the missing piece in our puzzle that is baby-making.

*I know it may seem strange to celebrate a very Catholic tradition (the sacrament of HOLY MATRIMONY) on a day that is no longer recognized as a saint's holy day by the Catholic Church, but at least the day does have Catholic origins. Do you think God will mind?

SHOW & TELL - BEATING THE ODDS

Not quite knowing why I had to, I jumped in the water and snapped this shot at Itaska State Park a year and a half ago.  For some reason, I just HAD to record this sight.  It was not until several months later that I realized the reason I was drawn to this tree.  The tree was growing out the side of the low bank.  However, it was not about to fall; the roots were deep and holding tight to the earth.  Notice the healthy leaves and branches reaching for the nurturing sun.  This tree is alive.  This tree is beating the odds.  One would think gravity would pull this tree into the water, ruining its chances for life.  But this tree is strong and its roots are holding tight, supporting the massive trunk and sun-reaching limbs.  

We who endure infertility are like this tree.  For one reason or another, our bodies or our situation grows in a way that makes it difficult for us to conceive our dream.  The gravity of infertility tries to make us fall.  But we find strength in our roots.  We hold fast and send our branches high into the hope of the skies, reaching for energy to keep trying for our dream.  And no matter the outcome, we too will beat the odds.  Whether we get the two pink lines, adopt, or decide to enjoy a childfree lifestyle, we will have endured the pain and heartache of infertility and come out of the trials strong as oak.  We are infertile, but we learn to grow in ways most don't.  We are women and men of incredible strength and resolve.  And we beat the odds.   

Go now to Mel's Show & Tell to see who else is standing strong.

WHY I CRY

My head is full.  

I can not even remember what it was like to be oblivious to the woes of infertility.  Every day, I am reminded that I am in my thirties and not yet a mother.  My friends are parents, my nieces and nephews are parents, my parents are parents, my students are parents.  I am not.  I try to get pregnant.  Nothing.  I try to adopt.  Nothing.

My heart aches for a child.  

I've heard some fellow teachers say that their students are enough children for them to handle.  They say that they don't need their own kids because their students are like their kids.  I can definitely understand that.  As a high school teacher in an urban district, a lot of my energy is sucked from me, er, devoted to the well-being of the 175 adolescents who walk through my classroom door each and every day.  But honestly, that doesn't do it for me.  Those people leave my life - most forever - after a few short months.  

My soul yearns for more.

Yesterday I sat in my classroom after work and sobbed into my hands.  Nothing really sparked the tears.  No one asked me why I don't have kids.  No one inquired about our seemingly stagnant adoption process.  No pregnant student came to me for advice.  Yet, this is what I do.

I just cry.

I cried yesterday because it was after 5:00 pm and I was still working in my classroom.  I had been there for over ten hours - eleven once you factor in my commute - and the only person who honestly knew it was me.  I really never have a reason to go home early.  Granted, "early" in my teacher world means after the American standard eight hour day, but no one would know the difference if I left my job at 3:00 instead of my usual 4:30 or 5:00 or later.  No one is waiting for me at home.  When I finally do make the thirty minute journey to my slice of the world, I unlock the front door to an empty home.   No babies crying, no kids latching onto my legs, no nothing (except for little Nacho begging for a treat, of course).  Just a dark, quiet house that faintly smells of the old people who lived there before us.

I used to be oblivious to this.  Going home was just that - going home.  Now, it seems as though I just go to an empty house.

GINA AT A QUICK GLANCE

For the IComLeavWe'ers, you can find a brief outline of my IF journey in the side bar.  Look for "Baby Making Road Map."  For a more detailed (but still relatively brief) account of how I came to be a traveler on this infertility journey, click on the links under "You Are Here:  How It All Began."

Quick outline:

I.  Infertility related

A.  TTC for roughly six years

B.  Not preventing for eight

C.  Diagnosed with PCOS & endometriosis

D.  Tried alternative therapies

E.  Tried infertility drugs

F.  Achieved pregnancy

G.  Miscarried

H.  Three failed IUI's

II.  Who I am without infertility

A.  Married almost seven years

B.  High school English teacher

C.  Daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend

D.  Vegetarian

E.  Vespa driver

F.  Cradle Catholic

III.  Current state of affairs

A.  Waiting to be matched for domestic adoption

B.  Waiting for summer

C.  Wanting to be a mommy

I look forward to hearing from all the ICLW'ers!  Welcome to you.  

Those of you who are regular visitors, welcome back.  Thanks for being here.

SHOW & TELL - IDENTITY THEFT

On Saturday, my parents, Kev & I drove to a neighboring state for a funeral. On the way there, I phoned a local florist and placed an order for a bouquet to be sent to the funeral home. The service was beautiful. Very sad, but beautiful. We drove back to my parents' house and slept, then returned to our little corner of the world this morning. As I snuggled in my office chair with my protein shake in hand, I saw the light on the answering machine flashing.

Message 1: Card services has placed a block on my credit/debit card because of some suspect charges. The automated voice asked me to please call to verify the charges and lift the block.

No problem. I figured the block was placed because the florist is roughly four hours from my home state. I'd just call and verify the charges were placed by me and get the block lifted.

Message 2: The florist called to say the charge didn't go through. The flowers would not be delivered.

I can handle the identity theft. It's happened to me before. A few years ago, someone in LA had used my social security number to create a utilities account. This time, someone got my credit card number, my address, my phone number, and who knows what else. They didn't charge much - just a few measly charges to an overnight printing service and some other places. Maybe a bit over a hundred dollars. No big deal. I can handle it. I'm pissed off and put out, but I can handle it.

But the thing that makes me LIVID right now is the fact that my cousin, his son, the 14, and 17 year old children of the deceased never received the flowers from my family. They've been through so much the past few months, and the flowers were just supposed to be a reminder of the support we'd like to offer as extended family. But they didn't receive flowers from us. I feel like an ass right now. I ordered the flowers on my card to represent the 30+ people in my family. Now it looks as though no one in my family thought enough to send flowers.

I've done the telling, so for the "show" part of this show and tell, I'd like to show the email address that the identity thief used to purchase services from Lifelock.com. Ironically, it's a service designed to protect its clients from identity theft. That's right. Was tomrice35@live.com playing a cruel joke? Maybe. Maybe he won't like his email address plastered on the internet in association with identity theft. Maybe he won't like the nasty emails I'm going to send (feel free to do the same). Maybe tomrice35@live.com is just a bad person who steals from innocent people. I don't know. But I do know that tomrice35@live.com is the reason a grieving family received one less floral arrangement in their time of despair. Thanks tomrice35@live.com. You're a theif and a prick.

ADOPTION AND ACHE

We went to a Friends of Adoption meeting this Monday at a local synagogue.  The group was not quite what I had expected.  In my fantasy, I envisioned lots of kids of all ages and ethnicities playing with one another and the adults sort of mingling, getting to know each other or catching up.  What the meeting turned out to be was a nice mix of people who have had all kinds of experiences with adoption, ranging from open adoptions to semi-open to embryo adoptions.  Only one couple brought a child, but many brought pictures or letters.  Also present were several couples trying adoption on for the first time.  They came prepared with questions and pads of paper upon which they furiously scribbled notes.  There were three couples (counting us) who were waiting to be matched.  It was roughly a two hour meeting that was just sort of a discussion-question-and-answer type circle.  The woman who conducted our home study actually led the discussion - a nice surprise - and topics ranged from how to afford adoption to interstate issues to crazy family members to over-priced lawyers and so on and so on.  

I can't even put into words how ready I am to be a mother.  The desire fills my lungs and travels through my blood, finding every inch of my body, every extremity.  At times, it feels as though the pain not only beats in my heart, but it aches in my eyes, my hands.  I think they are aching to behold and hold my baby.  Babies.  Life.  Family.  Love.   

Lacking the child to care for, I find myself over-nurturing our pets.  Hence, they are enormous.  They are spoiled.  They walk all over me.  They sleep all over me.  But, you know, it's what I've got for now, and I love my little fuzzy ones.