A NEW PATH TO PARENTHOOD

We met tonight with an adoption counselor and child placement officer. It went wonderfully. She is great - very knowledgeable, understanding, and heartfelt. She explained what modern open adoptions can look like, and how they actually benefit everyone involved. We walked away with a better understanding of the adoption process and a big stack of papers explaining what we need to do first. We're going to plan this weekend. We are going to do this. I'm very excited about adopting. What a unique experience this will be. What a joy to raise a child. This must be what God wants us to do.

Of course, we'll need your help. But I know I can count on you. I love you!

A PREVIOUSLY UNEXPLORED OPTION

After discussing our options over the weekend, Kev and I have decided to begin the adoption process. Well, we're at least trying to figure out what our chances of adopting are before we go to Mexico. We will be making an appointment to see an independent adoption agent this week and hopefully getting the process started. We've got a few friends who have adopted who are giving us great advice.

I know we've only talked about adoption as a remote, almost last resort option, but the seemingly unending cycle of high hopes and broken hearts is beginning to take its toll on our sanity. After five years of various treatments, tens of thousands of dollars in doctors' bills, fertility drugs, surgeries, and procedures, we're ready for a little good news for a change. I know adoption is not 100%, but we're looking forward to exploring our chances.

We haven't told anyone yet, so if you're reading this, you're one of the first to know.

LOSING

There will be no baby next spring.

Why doesn't God want me to have a child? What am I doing wrong? Everything was perfect this cycle. Four mature follies - all the right sizes. Positive energy from every direction. No booze, no caffeine, no strenuous activities. Not a dose of medication missed. We did everything right. Why?

Five years of heartache, and it's just getting harder. My heart is getting harder too.

IN STIRRUPS ONCE AGAIN (WARNING - TMI)

I have a really good feeling about this cycle. Everything seems to be falling in to place, and everyone (Kev, Dr.Z, his nurse) is really positive about this round of IUI. And that brings us to today.

Today marks the first day of this 2WW. I HATE the 2WW. But, I suppose one good thing about going back to work on Tuesday is the fact that it will keep my mind off wondering about the possibility - even if only for 8-10 hours a day.

Let me tell you a little bit about how the IUI works. I first have to pump my body full of hormones for a couple of weeks (see two posts down) to turn my ovaries into super-duper-egg-makers. The night before the IUI, Kev & I do a little baby dance, after which I stay horizontal for as long as possible to keep gravity working in the little swimmers' favor. The day of the IUI, Kevin makes a "deposit" into a sterile receptacle and we rush it to the doctor's office about 35 minutes away. Dr. Z takes the sample and puts it onto a centrifuge and washes it so that there is just sperm - no extra stuff needed. I lie back with my feet in stirrups,while Dr.Z opens me up and inserts a super long catheter into my cervix and injects the sample. He says a little prayer and a yabba-daba-do, then he closes up my cervix and I lie on the table with cold metal equipment hanging out of me for about 20 minutes. That night, to give us better chances of conceiving, we do another little baby dance.

The whole process is only minorly painful. Mostly mild cramping except for the fact that my ovaries are the size of oranges by this time and are very tender, so when Dr. Z was looking for my cervix and pushing on my abdomen, I yelped like a puppy being punished. He told me to stop laughing. Laughing. I wish. I'm mostly praying my ass off. Please do the same.

BABY DANCIN' COMING UP

I had a doctor's appointment today and it went wonderfully. Everything looked fabulous. Optimum for IUI!

Here's what's going on:

> four follies ranging in size from 17.8 - 19.5
> endometrial lining 8.0
> estradiol 1,954
> HCG inject tonight at 2:30 am
> baby dance Thursday night
> IUI Friday at 3:30 pm
> baby dance Friday night
> baby dance Saturday morning

So after two weeks of injections, we're trying one last time with the IUI thing.

I do have dozens of medium sized follies that might cause me some problems. Because of them, I am at an elevated risk of Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS) again. After I get the trigger shot tonight, I will have to take it super easy. No strenuous activity. Looks like Kevo's bringing up the laundry baskets from the basement from now on!