Saturday, March 28, 2009


Kev and I enjoy exploring;, however, our grown-up lives don't exactly allow for extended adventures the way they used to. Before we both had careers and before the stain of infertility was spilled onto our seemingly blissful marriage, we knew how to throw caution to the wind and let the spirit of travel take us where it may. Some of our previous adventures include a three month hitchhiking trip across Mexico and a six week exploration of Italy. Now, our adventures are more like tiny jaunts to local spots. If we happen to have a free weekend, we might grab our atlas and find some place nearby to "explore."

These photos were taken last year on the Kaw River after the last big freeze in our area. Before I snapped these, we sat in awe watching seven bald eagles soar and land in the tree line high above the water. Despite the accumulated ice on the river, the water rushed by the frozen spots at a speed that was, at times, a bit frightening as I stood on the bank and contemplated nature. What makes some of that water stop and freeze on the banks while the rest of it carries on down the channel?

Lately, I have felt like this ice. I am frozen in time and progress as the fertile world rushes by like a river fighting the pause of winter. I watch as my friends and co-workers, nieces and nephews discover life-changing news, hopefully anticipate nine months, and welcome a beautiful miracle into their lives. And they should. And I'm happy for them. I only wish I could jump into that same water with them and enjoy my own ride to parenthood.

But I am stuck in the ice land of infertility.

More show & tell...

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Every day, I come home from work and fly down the stairs in the hopes that the answering machine light will be blinking. Each day it happens to blink, I hold my breath in an attempt to stifle the pounding hopeful heartbeats as I hit the 'play' button. Inevitably, the message is from a well-wishing relative or an automated recording alerting me to the dangers of not refinancing my mortgage.

I realize that it's tough times for everyone in this economy. People are losing jobs, unable to find work, and dipping into 401K's just to make ends meet. But, come on. You can't do this to people who are daily waiting for the call that is to be the beginning of an open adoption.

You cannot call and leave a message like this:

"Hey, guys, it's me. I have some really important information for you and I need you to call me as soon as you can. Love ya."

Upon hearing this, people who anxiously await "the call" begin to dream. Maybe [caller] knows of a birth mother considering open adoption! Maybe [caller] is going to help us in some way! Hurry! CALL HIM BACK! NOW!!

And when you call the loved one back, you get an overly eager invitation to invest in a fail-safe-not-a-pyramid-scheme-money-making opportunity. And if you don't invest, it must mean that a) you have all the money you need or b) you're not interested in making money. How could it be anything else? Only fools do not invest in sure things.

Please. Don't do this to people who have been dealing with infertility for six years. Don't do this to people who are relying on loved ones to help them become adoptive parents. Don't do this and then try to make them feel foolish for keeping their hard-earned savings safe for the child they have been working for so long to bring home.

I know times are tough for everyone. But some of us need a call that will get us closer to our dreams of being parents - not yacht owners.

Saturday, March 14, 2009


Kev and I are coming up on our seventh wedding anniversary in June. To celebrate, we always do something to remind us either of our wedding day or our honeymoon. Our wedding took place in the Gunnison National Forest in Colorado - kind of hard to duplicate that here on the Great Plains. Our honeymoon was a six week adventure exploring all of Italy. As strange as it may sound, pieces of that trip are actually easier to duplicate. Think wine, picnics, beaches, fountains, gelato, leisurely meals.

Anyway, one of the silliest places we visited on our luna de miele was the Leaning Tower of Pisa. We couldn't justify being in Italy for that long and not at least seeing it. Talk about a tourist trap! It really is just a building that leans and is supported by cables. Vendors have set up shop all around it selling things like mini versions of the tower that light up, t-shirts with corny slogans, etc. How aggravating!

We are more the kind of couple who enjoys spots off the beaten path, so this was not our idea of fun. So instead we made our own fun. We donned our snorkeling gear and walked around asking people to take pictures of us. Everyone we asked actually snapped a shot for us, and some of them were great. Here's my favorite.

Be sure to check out what the other kids are showing this week.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


It's been nine weeks since I started my diet, and I'm officially down 15 pounds. I realize it's not exactly a drastic change. I haven't been like Ruby who's on average dropped that each month, but I've got something going on. I definitely feel better. I feel like I look better too. I noticed today that for the first time in many months, the waist on my slacks didn't bisect me. I actually made it through an entire day of teaching without the clasps on my pants digging into my fat rolls. Hallelujah!

Honestly, I haven't adhered to my diet as well as I should have, but come on, it's a really strict diet. Not only am I limited to a few hundred calories per day, but I cannot have ANY sugar - none. And grains? Why, I can have an entire half piece of whole wheat bread per day. Throw on top of that the fact that I am already a strict vegetarian, and I'm pretty much left with a diet consisting of tofu, veggies, and soy milk.

The first month I was on the diet, I followed it very closely. I used the menu to plan my meals, measured everything, and never cheated. But, really I was miserable. I didn't feel like I could ever eat at restaurants or even at my mom & dad's. I felt guilty for being polite at dinner with my in-laws and eating what I knew was not on my diet. I felt guilty when my mother bought special groceries when I went for visits. I felt guilty for eating something that might have been made with too much olive oil or the wrong kind of cheese. I ended up feeling guilty a lot.

So after the first month (and first seven pounds), I reflected on my goal and decided that I needed to make a change. I decided not to be so hard on myself and to allow myself to enjoy good food (and even comfort food once in a great while), no matter how far off my diet it took me. And so, in my second month of dieting, I enjoyed non-fat frozen yogurt, pizza, key lime pie, and I even really splurged and had a serving of mashed potatoes! I did all that and continued to lose weight.

Has the splurging set me back a bit? Yeah, I probably could have lost more weight. Am I a little happier now that I allow myself occasional yummies? Maybe. Probably. Do I still feel guilty when I do splurge? Definitely. But at least my pants don't injure me anymore.

Friday, March 6, 2009


I've been curious about what you all think. I'll write more later, but for now, I just want to ask the question...

What do you think Kev and I should be doing right now to grow our family? We've been eight years without contraception, six years trying various therapies, and two and a half years undergoing more aggressive reproductive treatments. We were approved for domestic adoption six months ago.

Please go to the right and vote.

More later...

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